back to blogging

i have always found the idea of writing down how you feel a bit strange. in many ways it's cathartic, but i've always found it to be a bit trivial. who would care enough to read through a disorganized mess of someone else's thoughts? though perhaps it's not for the people reading it, but rather for the writer. this is the hope; that i may find some sense of relief within these words. lately i have been dealing with the issue of how quickly life changes. five months ago i was living in on of the most beautiful places in the country, i was surrounded by new, yet familiar faces and i was anticipating an even brighter few months ahead. with my first year of university almost complete and the days until home becoming fewer and fewer, i was excited, no.. ecstatic, about my future. though i had enjoyed my year at trinity i knew that i needed to be at home. this was because being at home meant being with the love of my life. in my mind it didn't matter where i was or what i was doing, he was the only one who mattered. i spent countless hours dreaming about our future.. when it would start, what it would be like. how ready i was to grow up and grow old with him by my side. but it didn't take long before what i thought was my security, my guarantee, was jeopardized. on april 2, 2011 God decided that i had been too comfortable for too long. he took from me the one thing that i didn't want to give up, he took away ryan. and while i desperately wanted it to be an issue between ryan, myself and our saviour, even that wasn't enough. her name was amy and she broke me. if there is anything that i have learned from this process it's that i don't know how to trust. despite words of reassurance, i cannot take another persons word for anything. this has proved to be very detrimental to me, as i have knowledge about countless things better left unheard and unread. it took 12 hours of driving, a terrible nights sleep and what felt like the longest church service i've ever attended before i got the opportunity to convince him that we should be together. a few tears and a short conversation later i was back to a place where i was once so comfortable. i was ryan's girlfriend once again. i have been blessed with an answer to prayer, so why am i still so unsettled? i recall a conversation that ryan and i had once about cheating. with much confidence i told him that it wouldn't bother me if i was cheated on. okay, that's a stretch. but i explained how i genuinely believed that if whoever it was was sincere in his apology and desire to make right his wrongs, that i would be quick to forgive. i now laugh at my self for thinking that. how naive i was, how naive i am. i didn't even have to be cheated on for inescapable feelings of distrust and sadness to overwhelm me. and while i know deep down how loved and treasured i am, i can't help but deny it. the idea of him considering someone else, it hurts me every day and every time i look into those beautiful blue eyes. something has changed and i desperately want it to be the way it was before. i remember a day i spent at ryan's house.. jordan and benj were gone and i had spent the night, one of the first times i'd ever slept over. ryan was in the shower and as i climbed down the stairs i could hear his voice coming from the bathroom, he was singing 'hallelujah'. at that moment i fell in love with his songs, i could listen to him sing forever. but she's ruined that for me. every time i hear that beautiful voice i recall a message she sent him, something about him needing a woman who appreciated the difference between the way he praised and the way he sang. i can't listen to him sing without those words mocking me. he can't get an email or a text that i'm not suspicious of, and i hate myself for it. i wonder if i will ever trust him. i am quite sure that he senses i am holding back, and while the sex is great, my heart is unwilling. since everything has happened i feel much less dependant upon ryan. and while that is a good thing in and of itself, i think i liked feeling as though he was a need rather than just a want. last night i dreamed that he left me to be with her and i then proceeded to spend my day thinking about whether i should leave him so that he could pursue something better. i feel as though i hinder, rather than help, his spiritual life. and while i neglect my Lord on a day to day basis, i am very aware of how important He is. where i fail to act, my mind more than compensates. i want to be in a relationship where i am challenged every day to do better, to be better, and to grow with my Lord. i don't want to live in the shadow of someone who did that for the man that i love. i failed him, therefore, i do no deserve him.

and there they are.. my scattered, relatively unimportant ramblings of the day.